All the Light at the End
This piece is very organic and primordial. It is my imaginative cellular representation of when you push through a struggle, or when you have pushed through tough times, there is always light at the end of that and your cells know and feel this (symbolized by the yellow).
Earlier this year was the 17-18-19 year anniversary of getting divorced. (Can't remember exactly.) Basically at this point it has been about an equal number of years being divorced as it was being married. When I first became single again way back then I struggled mightily with self-confidence. And, my mother made it known often that she was constantly worried about my abilities to take care of myself and my young son. I had to create a new life and forge a new path. There were tons of new things I had to learn including managing a household all by myself. For example, I did not know how to light a pilot light in the furnace or how to check a fuse box. I did not know how to cook much. Though I have always thought of myself as a very strong and highly resilient person, back then I felt weak and shaky. I was pushing through a lot of shame and depression. Still, I was determined to regain my fortitude and even increase it.
At that time I was starting to draw again in my own special way. I have had a pencil in my hand since I was two -- as my father often would attest. And I continued to fill journal after journal with copious thoughts, observations, and drawings. (Since early childhood I have been filling notebooks!) But sharing any of this "new" expression with people at that time seemed to bring out so many interesting reactions. People were somehow threatened or, at the least, dubious and doubtful. "So you think you're going to be an artist now???" was a common refrain and not nicely said. Well, no, I had not been thinking that exactly, but I was using art and writing to find myself again. I was using art and writing to get stronger, to get better post-divorce, to be a better me. To heal, to grow. To evolve. Naturally I wanted to share this. After awhile, I saw that I had enough drawings and writings to form a book. So, I did that. And I published it too.
There were a lot of naysayers and dream snatchers. I did my best to stay away from them and to keep them away from me. As I'm sure we can all agree, when we are trying to get better at something (such as drawing and writing), or when we are trying to strengthen ourselves from the inside out (during depression), and when we are trying to sew up our fortitude and resilience (after a divorce), what we need around us are those who can lift us up and help us keep going. What we need is someone to say "Are you trying to get better at (whatever it is)??? You are? Because that's awesome!! Keep getting better at that. Keep doing it. Do you need help with that? 'Cause I'm here if you need me to help you get better at that."
When I meet someone like that, who says things like that to me, I realize how rare this kind of person is. Unafraid of someone else's quest. Secure in their own being. Allowing someone else their path without having to stomp all over it.
This piece of art is a reminder to myself that the best way out is through. It is also a reminder of that same thought for you as well as a visual encouragement to keep going, to keep getting stronger, to keep pushing and persevering going after what you want and believe in.
Watercolor pencils, colored pencils, paint pens, micron pens, graphite on watercolor paper
From The Particle Series.
